Screw President, Elect Me Benevolent Dictator

My friend Eric made a post in his blog today about what he’d do if elected President, so I thought I might do the same.  The problem is … but damn, I don’t want to be President.  Have you seen what happens to Presidents today?  Take a look at some before-and-after photos of the last five or six Presidents … that job takes a toll.

No, I don’t think I could do the whole “work with Congress” thing, so I propose something better and more efficient:

Elect Me Benevolent Dictator

Give me eight years, do everything I tell you to and all our problems will be solved.  After that, I’ll go away and we can return to electing ineffective Presidents who have to deal with so much stress that they look like shit when they leave office. 

So here’s what I’ll do as Benevolent Dictator (in the interest of brevity, we’ll just refer to that office as the “Big Dic” from now on).  For parity’s sake, I’ll cover the same topics Eric does … my ultimate priorities may differ, but doing it this way will give me the opportunity to tell him where he’s terribly misguided. 

Some of these topics have no business being decided at the Federal level, because they're not part of the Constitutionally-mandated powers of the Federal Government ... but that's okay, because, as Big Dic, I'm not entirely subject to the Constitution (but I'll keep it in mind ... I promise).

So here we go …

Gun Control:  The Second Amendment is clear, as I’ve said in a previous post, individual gun ownership was so important that the founders of this country put it in the Top Ten.  As Big Dic, I’ll protect this right.  I’ll institute a national carry permit, because the Constitution trumps State restrictions.  There will be licensing requirements, because people need to be educated in gun-safety – when the Constitution was framed, those now-considered-useless entities called “parents” did that sort of thing.  This isn’t a limit on the right – once you have your license, you can buy as many guns as you want.  There will be no registration – knowing how many and what types of guns an individual has is the first step towards the government confiscating those guns.  I’ll consider gun-safety classes in the schools, because then everyone will be licensed, but the schools aren’t part of the Constitutional mandate for the Federal Government.

Abortion: I leave this to the courts to decide, which they have.  This isn’t a cop-out … really, the topic's simply too complex to cover in a paragraph here.  Eventually I'll have a post on this.

Gay Marriage: Government has no business in marriage to begin with.  Marriage records, as well as births and deaths, used to be handled at the parish church.  Government got involved because, as a society, it’s more efficient for there to be central records.  But marriage is a religious concept, not secular – all government should be concerned with is contractual details of the agreement: money, property and children if there’s a divorce.  So, as Big Dic, I’ll get government out of the marriage business by making all personal joinings into civil unions as far as the government’s concerned.  You register your union, you and your unionee(s), and any pre-union agreements you’ve made.  There, you're Unioned -- gay, straight, bi or poly, you pick.  If you want to call it a marriage, talk to a church.

Drinking Age: Up to the States, but I favor eighteen.  If you're old enough to help elect me Big Dic, you're old enough to have a beer.  In fact, if it'll help me get elected Big Dic, I'll lower it to twelve ... how about it kids, if you vote for me, I'll let you have a Bud ... wait, kids can't vote?  Doh!

Welfare: Welfare is a safety-net, an oh-shit-what-do-I-do-now rescue.  It is not a lifestyle.  Useful work can be found for virtually anyone.  If you run into trouble, it's in society's best interest to give you a hand, but you're going to pay that hand back.  As Big Dic, I'll ensure most anyone on welfare is doing some productive work of some kind.  Ideally, this should be taken care of by the private sector anyway ... churches and charities.  Americans are the most generous eople on earth ... we shouldn't need to use the Police Powers of Government to enforce charitable works.  Which is why getting the recipients working is a good idea, then they're employees.

Unemployment Coverage: As Big Dic, I kick this one back to the States.  It's not Constitutionally-mandated (though as Big Dic I can ignore that) and it's not an issue the Federal Government should be involved with.

Religion: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof".  That's not "separation", that's "leave it the hell alone".  That's what I believe in, that's what I'd do.  There are, though, two things I'd like to see happen with regard to Religion if I'm Big Dic:

• We stop violating the First Amendment in its own name.  Meaning, we stop telling politicians and kids in schools and government employees that their personal, individual, free exercise of religion is prohibited.  We should be ashamed that this goes on.
• Your personal, individual, free exercise of religion doesn't extend to imposing it or your practices on others.  Those fucking call-to-prayer loudspeakers need to come down!  This is the god-damned twenty-first century ... if you want to know when it's time to pray, set an alarm in your cell phone!

Age of Consent: Eighteen, just like all the other children's rights held in trust by the parents.

Smoking: Just like your personal, individual, free exercise of religion, your personal, individual, free exercise of your Right to be a Fucking Moron ends at someone else's lungs.  You can't smoke where the smoke impinges on others ... just like you can't play your radio too loud or shit in public. 

Immigration: If you're here illegally, we ship you home.  If you're somewhere else and want to come here to become a citizen, you're welcome, so long as you:

• Can support yourself without asking for a handout OR if you're truly in fear of persecution in your home country;
• Learn about America's history and the Democratic Process;
• Learn English;

If you're somewhere else and just want to come and work, Big Dic will establish temporary worker visas which will allow you to do so.  Your employer will have to pay you a fair, competitive wage and the government will ensure you're treated like a human being and not chattel.

Death Penalty: No more, here's why.

Taxing Gas Companies: Eric proposed taxing gas companies "for profits in excess of a certain percentage of income" -- record profits do not equal record profit margins.  Profits are up because we use so damn much gas, profit margins for oil companies remain around 8%, lower than most other industries (and lower than both Federal and States taxes individually).  All this is moot, though, because, as Big Dic, I'd make corporate taxes would go away completely by implementing the Fair Tax.  Corporations do not pay tax ... all taxes "paid" by corporations are passed on to the consumer or to the owners of the corporations ... they're called "shareholders" and, in America, they're mostly people with pensions and 401(K)s.  Taxing corporations is stupid and drives business overseas.  Which brings us to...

Income Tax:  Fair Tax.  Done.  Read up on it and write your congressmen.

Patriot Act: Some good, some bad, some that should be kept, some that should sunset.  Something for a much longer post.

Social Security:  FUBAR, totally FUBAR.  Here's what we do (exact ages to be determined by good economists):

• If you're above a certain age, you get what the current system promised you, with cost of living adjustments;
• If you're below that age, but above another, you can opt-in to the current system or the new one;
• If you're below a third age, you're in the new system which is: The government will supply you with a certain, subsistence-level living when you retire, if you have no other means.  You should probably start looking into those other means soon.

National Health Insurance: NO!  Let me make this clear: NO!  It doesn't work, hasn't worked, can't be shown to work ... anywhere that it's been tried.  Government doesn't do things well ... so let's put them in charge of health care?  Sure, that makes sense, which is why people from all those countries with wonderful socialized medicine systems go elsewhere, if they can.  Our health care system is the best in the world ... there may be problems, but they can be solved.  Getting rid of 12,000,000 illegal aliens might be a good start.

Education: The American education system sucks.  Which is no wonder, since it was designed by people who wanted to turn out adults educated just enough to understand instructions in the factories, but not actually think for themselves enough to threaten the establishment.  As Big Dic, I'll see to it that there'll be vouchers, merit-pay, charter schools and competition.  Parents will have a choice where to send their children to school and the money will follow the child.  I'll also be overhauling what's taught -- self-reliance and personal responsibility will share time with more math and engineering, as well as real history classes.

National ID Card: Only for federal services.  Just like you need a State driver's license or ID to access state services.  For those worried about Big Brother watching ... dude, you think they need a card?

Money: No pennies, I'm sorry, Illinois, but it's time.  No dollar bills, dollar coins only.  Different sizes for the blind; different colors because it'll be harder for North Korea to counterfeit.

National Election Campaigns: We had primaries in freakin' January this year ... that's stupid.  Unfortunately, the primary schedule is set by the individual states and the political parties.  Since I don't have to worry about reelection, as Big Dic, I won't mess with it.  If you think it's stupid, talk to your state legislature about it.

Air Travel:  More serious consequences for idiots at TSA holding people without benefit of counsel or making mothers drink their own breast milk.  By the same token, more stringent profiling instead of random searches.  Sure, the terrorists could recruit 90-year old grandmothers, but until we have some proof that they have, we'll take closer looks at those who are like people who've already blown things up.  Sorry, but it's reasonable to do so.  When there's vandalism in my neighborhood, I look at the teenagers, not the elderly.

Banning Cars and Taxing Car Companies (that don't meet mileage dictates):  Free market, free people.  It's a small, tiny step from dictating the mileage an individual's car can get to dictating how many miles he can drive.  From there, let's dictate how low you can set your air conditioning.  As Big Dic, I might have fun telling people what to do like this, but after I leave office I'll be subject to the government again ... and I'd rather not set the precedent that they can exercise this level of control.  

So, if you elect me Benevolent Dictator this November, these are some of the things I'll do (or not do).  But, of course, I'm not really running ... it's a pipe-dream, a fantasy, because we don't have a Big Dic, we have a President.  (How's that for a straight-line?)

We don't have a dictator, benevolent or otherwise, we have an elected President.  For two hundred thirty-two years, we've had something most of the world has found unbelievable for that time: every four- or eight-years, the leader of our country is replaced ... without violence, without bloodshed, without resistance.  That's the nature of our government -- unique when our country was formed and much emulated today. 

No matter what you think of the President, and I don't mean just President Bush, I mean whatever you think of who is the currently serving President at any point in time, in a few years you have an opportunity to pick a new one.  You do.  Because we have a government of the people, by the people and for the people.  The People, you and me, are the most important players in the political game.

So pay attention over the next few months, get out their and vote in November ... or you might get Dicced.